Richard to Rick

Being an artist is funny and frustrating. I recently posted a bunch of pictures on Instagram and other social media sites of some of the work I have done. Everyone liked my work and were excited to see the progress on a painting I am currently working on. While I am sure they all meant all the kind comments and praise, it's funny how all that praise disappears when they ask how much a painting is, like they really intended to buy it. They ask the price and I tell them and then either the comments stop all together or I get a reply like “well I will get back to you” or “it's really too big/small for the room I was thinking about”. When I first started painting many of my paintings were given away, simply because in my mind they were not good enough to sell and I was painting as a hobby, not as a passion. However in recent years, I have stopped giving them away for a few reasons, I have moved on to higher-end canvas and paint, I also use much larger canvas and that gets expens...

I am not impressed, not even slightly. I spent an hour last night deleting profiles from singles websites. I personally did not sign up for them, but they were profiles with my name, my picture and some of my interests. They all used Richard as my name instead of Rick, all the pictures were pictures that could have been “borrowed” from my Facebook page and all the profile information was common knowledge information like my favorite band and favorite pastimes. I have my suspicions on who it may have been, but I am not going to pursue it as I am sure they thought they were doing something good, I don’t think it was meant as a joke. Either way, it is way too soon for me to be thinking about something like that, I need to be single for a while...and no G.H. I don’t think it was you. So I am 99% done packing, I have to spend a couple hours downstairs in the basement today then later on I have to spend a couple hours sorting comic books. After that, probably Sunday night or Monday I will b...

First off I apologize for my last couple of posts, I just reread them and they are full of punctuation mistakes and a few spelling/grammar mistakes. My writing is done pretty quick, pretty off the cuff and not a lot of time is spent editing. I will try to do better for all my readers...well reader. So in less than a week, I will no longer be a resident of Moncton, having some really mixed emotions about it. The move doesn't really scare me anymore, honestly, I am kind of excited to get out of Moncton but I wish I was moving with T. Leaving her behind is going to be so hard, I know it is the right thing to do, but it still hurts like hell. ..not looking forward to moving day one bit. The packing is going well...I think. I went out and just purchased boxes from the place I am renting the moving truck from. That was painful, spending $50 on empty boxes, but they are nice sturdy big boxes and I just didn't have the time to be running around the city looking for boxes. Most of ...

Still sick. but I am on the mend, I feel better than I did yesterday, so I will take that as a good sign. I know I haven’t really been posting all that frequently, so I will touch on a couple things, but honestly, I haven't had anything to say because other than being sick all I have been doing is sorting my crap and packing my crap. It's kind of a rush job, with lots of boxes labeled like “Random shit I found on my bedside table”. I don’t really have the time to sort shit and say OK well you are going to belong in the box marked “Living room accessories” I am gone in just over a week so shit just needs to get roughly sorted and packed and I can figure out it all out on the other end. It just needs to be packed well enough for me to throw it in the back of a moving truck. I am leaving a lot of things behind, not that I don’t want them its more that I am trying to thin out my belongings. I want to live a life of purpose, of direction but also a life free of constraints...and wh...

 I would rather look back on my life and say "I cannot believe I did that!" Instead of looking back and saying "I wish I had." Love fully and completely. R-

 No post. sick as a dog.

So the time has arrived for me to start packing. The next couple of weeks are going to suck, I still have a week left at work so that's going to take up the majority of my time this week. In the basement there are multiple boxes and bins of random crap to sort through, not to mention all the tools. Upstairs there are 20 years of collecting books to deal with...fuck I am not looking to moving those books, why couldn't I be an illiterate moron...my back already hurts thinking about it. It's OK it will get done, it has to get done. Getting packed is only part of the equation...I still have to get to my new destination which is about 150km(93 miles) or and a half away. Like I can rent a truck easily enough, but no one(me included) wants me driving a big-ass moving truck...especially in the middle of winter. So I need to get someone to drive the truck..sounds simple right, well everyone I know who can help me, either lives there or lives here. So if someone drives a truck f...

 Not going to post anything probably until Sunday....my brain needs a break. I need to spend a couple days not thinking...and just relaxing. Don't worry G.H. I am ok. R-

So my thought process is all over the board today, I am jumping from topic to topic and back again...so this post is probably just going to be a bunch of random thoughts, but that is all I have to give. So I am still alive, I just feel like crap. Depression will do that to you. I haven't been eating properly at all for the last couple of weeks and its starting to catch up with me...on the plus side I am down like 5 pounds(2.7kg) So a good friend told me I should talk to my shrink before packing up and leaving. Honestly, he is probably correct, I don’t think it is going to change anything, I can't stay here in this house much longer as it is just too hard. I can't move on if I am still under the same roof as her and I have no place to stay in my current city if I am not living with her so what choice do I have but to move cities? He is right in the fact that I should probably talk to my shrink before I make any serious life choices and changes... so I have an appointme...

  I am really on edge today, very jumpy and anxious also super depressed. Being bipolar is not fun. I think a lot of it is that I am nervous about starting over. I don’t want to start over, I want my wife back I want my life back...I want to try and fix this, from her perspective she has been trying for a long time. I didn’t know it was this bad...I never thought after 20 years it would just end...my world is crumbling around me and there is nothing I can do to shore it up. I have to watch it crumble. I have tried too hard all my life and it was always a fight..tried too hard just to function ..not to prosper, just function. I am so tired of fighting. I am so tired of losing. I am so tired of the struggle. I am so tired... I am just so done with it all... fuck R-

Struggle verb make  forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or constriction.  It seems to me I have always struggled. I am sure I am not unique in this, but this is my story. All my life everything I wanted to do I struggled to try and get there and more often than not, even before I met T ..long before I struggled. I struggled to fit in, I struggled to concentrate, I struggled in school(because it bored me immensely), and I rode a skateboard. I struggled to learn any tricks. I finished high school and I tried to get into college, I got into a bunch of schools but I struggled to find a way to pay for it so I didn’t go. I struggled to find a job I didn’t hate doing. I eventually went back to school...for marketing...yuck. I actually did really good in the course...but I hated it. I met a girl, we moved in and I struggled to be happy in life. I was happy with her...just not for the rest of my life. I have always felt held back..as hard a...

...back to work today. Really not looking forward to this, because I am sure by this point everyone at work knows about the divorce. I imagine a lot of them will have comments or opinions..which right now I don’t need. The only thing I need from my friends and/or co-workers is support. I need to move forward and stop thinking about the future. Rehashing the hows and whys this is happening or talking about whose fault it is or isnt with them will not help me. I love her and wish this was fixable but it takes two to rebuild and she tried to keep it together for 20 years. I wish I knew what she was going through, what I put her through..but I was too tied up in being a bi polar mess so, my marriage is over. I never get to hold my wife again and that is ripping me apart, however I cannot focus on that, if I keep thinking about it I am going to spin myself out and end up in the hospital in a padded room. Forward to the Camino people...let me move on. R-

For the next little while my posts are going to be shorter and/or not as often. I took a few days off after the divorce talk to get my head right, and I go back to work tomorrow.  Also over the next 2 or 3 weeks, I need to pack and move..so my ass is going to be busy. I will still try and give SOME updates..but no promises. Cheers R-

 Today might be a bit of a boring read, but I need to start thinking of the logistics of it all. If any readers have any thoughts or tips please comment below at the bottom of the post. Actually please comment regardless as I am going through a very hard and shitty time and could use the moral support. I am experiencing a lot of self-doubt at the moment, like can I actually do this? Can I move out, be single again, train, save a bunch of money and walk the Camino? I asked my ex. “Am I crazy to think I can do this? Maybe it's just my bi-polar brain saying I should and can do this when in actuality it's a bad idea.” to which she replied “I don’t think it’s your bi-polar brain telling you, you can do this, I think it’s your bipolar brain telling you, you can't do this! ” Which helped a lot. She may be my ex, but it doesn't mean we don’t want the best for each other. Anyhow back to the task at hand. I know what my end goal is....the Camino. So now how do I make that ...

If I break everything down to the simplest terms. The reason my marriage failed....my mental health. (not the only reason but  a big one) The reason I am doing this blog...my mental health. The reason I plan to hike the Camino...my mental health. Starting to see the pattern? What exactly is wrong with my mental health?  Well first off you should know that both my parents had/have poor mental health. My father was VERY bipolar (self-medicated with Alcohol most of his life) and my mother has d ysthymia which is a  long-lasting form of depression. It’s also called a persistent depressive disorder. People with this condition may also have bouts of major depression at times. That's where my genetics come from so you can only imagine how screwy my mental health is. Growing up in that house was...interesting, not overly fun...but interesting.  I do have an older sister but I haven't discussed this blog with her yet and until I do I won't be talking about her because I love ...

So it is looking like I will be walking the confederation trail this summer. For those who didn't read the previous post. The Confederation trail is a network of trails, consisting of one long trail at 273km with a bunch of branches going off into different areas putting its total length at around 400km. I intend to walk the main trail over 10 days, now I may not end up doing the whole 273, but If I can do at least 200km that is an easy 20k a day. As I was looking into it further I put some general inquiries out to my friends to see if any of them had walked any portion of the trail? or if any of them would be interested in walking a portion of it with me? There was a lot of interest..more than I expected. So I gave it some more thought. I am planning to walk it in July,  mainly because I have a friend whom I have not seen in over a decade who will be on the island in mid-July. He is a big long-distance runner and would really like to do a portion with me. So July it is. ...bu...

How do I learn to love myself and be happy in life? With a lot of self-reflection and growth.  I need to look at my flaws and accept them.  I need to stop saying I have this flaw and that flaw makes me  less than others .  I need to see my flaws and see them as an opportunity for growth, so I can make myself  more than others . I relied on someone else for so long to validate me and give me worth, I never learned to validate myself.....how and the hell can someone else love me and be with me if I  don't love myself and want to be with me?  Starting over at 44, but I am not really starting over, my path just took an unexpected turn, and my story has begun a new chapter. Yes other than my personal possessions I will have essentially nothing, but that also means I have nothing holding me down to one spot. I can go anywhere and be anything/anyone. I need to force myself to grow by challenging myself. I cannot fall back into who I was before I met T...

Jesus, where do I even start?  Well, let us start with a dirty word....divorce. That is how my journey begins, divorce. I am not going to get into the specific details of it all out of respect for her, but I will give you the basic idea. 20 years ago I went to college, met a girl, fell in love, we moved in together and for 20 years my bipolar self sabotaged the relationship..no it's not all my fault, we are both to blame. We were extremely co-dependent and both had unaddressed issues and just this year we both started addressing those issues. She started developing into her best self and I am proud of her, I hope she finds everything she needs in life and everything she wants..she deserves it all and more. I love you forever T. On the evening of December 30th, my world collapsed well at least I thought it did. She wanted to divorce and less than a week later I am doing OK, better than expected honestly. If I am honest with myself, it was a LONG time coming and I am OK ...