Richard to Rick

 So anyone who knows me, knows I don't drive. I do have a license, I just got it recently (a few years ago)...I don't drive because I am extremely nervous driving which I am sure is just a lack of experience issue but knowing why doesn't change the fact that I am nervous. So anyhow I have a job interview on Wednesday in the city, I prefer public transit, which should be fine for the interview but if I get the job it may be an issue due to the fact I don't live in the city and there may be evening shift, there is intercity transit but it only runs for the 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the early evening...so that might be an issue..fuck my intent of moving here was to stay debt free but now I may have to buy a car and take on all the attached financial responsibility....fuck

 Man if I don't find a job fucking soon... On a positive note, spoke to my ex yesterday(through texts). She randomly messaged me to check how I was doing and such, I think she may have been a bit lonely as well considering the previous day had been valentines day. We had a nice civil adult conversation. I got a little emotional for a couple moments but I am resisting the urge to message her today and apologize for being emotional. She said I have to feel my feelings to be able to heal. It was nice to speak to her either way, I still hurt and miss her so knowing that she actually cares about my welfare means a lot. ..huh funny how that works, as I am writing this I get a message...I have a job interview next Wednesday. Funny how that works.

Yesterday was rough. Really down and blue, and still pretty depressed today as well. I just want my old life back. Do not get me wrong I am glad I had someplace to go and I can't thank my friend enough for giving me a place. ....but this is not my home, I want my home and my wife back. I miss her so much...I just want my life back.

 So it's been a few days since I posted anything. Really I don’t have a lot to say at the moment. ..really what can I say? The person I care/cared about the most said she didn’t want to be with me anymore so I packed up and left and every bit of it sucked. I miss her more than I have missed anything in my life, but I can’t even tell her that. So now I sit around being depressed and the last 3 or 4 days have been rough, and pretty fucking lonely. She wasn’t wrong we did need to be apart, we were too co-dependent I just wished I knew back when the cracks started to show that it was heading this way..maybe I could have done something. ..maybe it wouldn’t have been a complete separation...but maybe it would have been, maybe we were beyond saving. ....maybe this was always going to be our future. It still fucking sucks. It still hurts. I need a hug from my wife because she was the one who could always make me smile but now my smile is gone. Oh Jesus I sound like a poem written by a lo...

So its February 3 rd , and moving day was Jan 31 st . It is all done, the worst of it is over, saying goodbye to the cats really sucked, but I am here and I am all moved in, now just to unpack. I think today will probably be a little light on the unpacking and such, I need to give my back a break. I need to go out and pick up as few random odds and ends and then I will probably just pick at the unpacking. I don’t really have much to add today, I am just too tired and sore and the last few days have been pretty uneventful other than actually physically moving. I need to take a couple of me days..and then I will come back and see what I have to say.