Richard to Rick

 So anyone who knows me, knows I don't drive. I do have a license, I just got it recently (a few years ago)...I don't drive because I am extremely nervous driving which I am sure is just a lack of experience issue but knowing why doesn't change the fact that I am nervous. So anyhow I have a job interview on Wednesday in the city, I prefer public transit, which should be fine for the interview but if I get the job it may be an issue due to the fact I don't live in the city and there may be evening shift, there is intercity transit but it only runs for the 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the early evening...so that might be an issue..fuck my intent of moving here was to stay debt free but now I may have to buy a car and take on all the attached financial responsibility....fuck

 Man if I don't find a job fucking soon... On a positive note, spoke to my ex yesterday(through texts). She randomly messaged me to check how I was doing and such, I think she may have been a bit lonely as well considering the previous day had been valentines day. We had a nice civil adult conversation. I got a little emotional for a couple moments but I am resisting the urge to message her today and apologize for being emotional. She said I have to feel my feelings to be able to heal. It was nice to speak to her either way, I still hurt and miss her so knowing that she actually cares about my welfare means a lot. ..huh funny how that works, as I am writing this I get a message...I have a job interview next Wednesday. Funny how that works.

Yesterday was rough. Really down and blue, and still pretty depressed today as well. I just want my old life back. Do not get me wrong I am glad I had someplace to go and I can't thank my friend enough for giving me a place. ....but this is not my home, I want my home and my wife back. I miss her so much...I just want my life back.

 So it's been a few days since I posted anything. Really I don’t have a lot to say at the moment. ..really what can I say? The person I care/cared about the most said she didn’t want to be with me anymore so I packed up and left and every bit of it sucked. I miss her more than I have missed anything in my life, but I can’t even tell her that. So now I sit around being depressed and the last 3 or 4 days have been rough, and pretty fucking lonely. She wasn’t wrong we did need to be apart, we were too co-dependent I just wished I knew back when the cracks started to show that it was heading this way..maybe I could have done something. ..maybe it wouldn’t have been a complete separation...but maybe it would have been, maybe we were beyond saving. ....maybe this was always going to be our future. It still fucking sucks. It still hurts. I need a hug from my wife because she was the one who could always make me smile but now my smile is gone. Oh Jesus I sound like a poem written by a lo...

So its February 3 rd , and moving day was Jan 31 st . It is all done, the worst of it is over, saying goodbye to the cats really sucked, but I am here and I am all moved in, now just to unpack. I think today will probably be a little light on the unpacking and such, I need to give my back a break. I need to go out and pick up as few random odds and ends and then I will probably just pick at the unpacking. I don’t really have much to add today, I am just too tired and sore and the last few days have been pretty uneventful other than actually physically moving. I need to take a couple of me days..and then I will come back and see what I have to say.

Being an artist is funny and frustrating. I recently posted a bunch of pictures on Instagram and other social media sites of some of the work I have done. Everyone liked my work and were excited to see the progress on a painting I am currently working on. While I am sure they all meant all the kind comments and praise, it's funny how all that praise disappears when they ask how much a painting is, like they really intended to buy it. They ask the price and I tell them and then either the comments stop all together or I get a reply like “well I will get back to you” or “it's really too big/small for the room I was thinking about”. When I first started painting many of my paintings were given away, simply because in my mind they were not good enough to sell and I was painting as a hobby, not as a passion. However in recent years, I have stopped giving them away for a few reasons, I have moved on to higher-end canvas and paint, I also use much larger canvas and that gets expens...

I am not impressed, not even slightly. I spent an hour last night deleting profiles from singles websites. I personally did not sign up for them, but they were profiles with my name, my picture and some of my interests. They all used Richard as my name instead of Rick, all the pictures were pictures that could have been “borrowed” from my Facebook page and all the profile information was common knowledge information like my favorite band and favorite pastimes. I have my suspicions on who it may have been, but I am not going to pursue it as I am sure they thought they were doing something good, I don’t think it was meant as a joke. Either way, it is way too soon for me to be thinking about something like that, I need to be single for a while...and no G.H. I don’t think it was you. So I am 99% done packing, I have to spend a couple hours downstairs in the basement today then later on I have to spend a couple hours sorting comic books. After that, probably Sunday night or Monday I will b...