"Mental Health..."

If I break everything down to the simplest terms.

The reason my marriage failed....my mental health. (not the only reason but  a big one)

The reason I am doing this blog...my mental health.

The reason I plan to hike the Camino...my mental health.

Starting to see the pattern?

What exactly is wrong with my mental health?  Well first off you should know that both my parents had/have poor mental health. My father was VERY bipolar (self-medicated with Alcohol most of his life) and my mother has dysthymia which is a  long-lasting form of depression. It’s also called a persistent depressive disorder. People with this condition may also have bouts of major depression at times. That's where my genetics come from so you can only imagine how screwy my mental health is. Growing up in that house was...interesting, not overly fun...but interesting. I do have an older sister but I haven't discussed this blog with her yet and until I do I won't be talking about her because I love my big sister(not that I don't love my parents) and she never did a thing that impacted me negatively. Love you Sheshe.

I was always a "sensitive" child, my feelings got hurt easily, and I worried a lot, about things a child should not have to worry about.

I can remember being around 9 years old laying in bed at night and thinking about what would happen if my father died, would I have to go to the funeral?, could I handle going to the funeral? etc. I got myself so worked up I cried myself to sleep. My father was not ill, he was completely healthy. He was in no danger of passing away at that point and in fact, he didn't die until I was 40 years old.

As I grew into a teen, I became weird. I did weird things hung out with weird people and wore weird clothing and listened to weird music. I was into punk rock music and skateboarding in the 1990s...so brightly dyed hair, and big baggy pants...and I smoked a lot of pot. Even among my weird friends, I stood out. I tried to be weird..it became part of who I was, it was my shield..and still kind of is. I could go into it in detail..and I may at some point but that is a post all by itself.

As an adult, I was angry a lot, not outwardly but inside I was full of rage, it wasn't directed at anyone or thing it was just there. When I met T that rage stopped..almost instantly, even before we dated. I never told her that, she still doesn't know. I think I was angry because my life wasn't going the way I had planned, when I met T I found hope. Then about 14 years ago, right around when I turned 30, I was diagnosed with bipolar(type 2), Ocd, and a general anxiety disorder. So basically I am this big man-child whose wife always had to put first due to his shitty mental health, and his falling apart on various occasions. I could never seem to get anything done, I wasn't motivated to really do anything and couldn't hold down a job. I was never happy, I have not been truly fully happy since college. I moved away from my home to a big city and wasn't happy. Moved into an apartment in a smaller city much closer to home. I wasn't happy. So we bought a house(we shouldn't have) and moved into a house. I loved my home but wished it was in the country..so not happy. I did not like my job so I went back to school. Started a new career. I wasn't happy. etc. When I say I wasn't happy, I mean...I was fucking miserable. the only time I was happy was when I was on my couch watching TV with my wife..and that's not a healthy way to live.

Was my wife happy?... I always just assumed she was... but no I don't imagine she was. I was so caught up in being miserable I forgot about her happiness. So now you get why the marriage failed. It breaks my heart because she is such a beautiful soul..she is my best friend and I am losing her.  

I really wish I could fix this. 

...but I need to fix myself first, 

I wish we could live apart and do our own things and still date. 

...but I need to fix myself first.  

This is all a very simplified version of my mental health issues...but I am writing a blog post, not a book.

Be happy with you, because if you are not, you will never be happy with anything else.

Trust me on that.

So now I am going to start doing the things I want to do and need to do, I don't want to hike the Camino...I need to.  I need to find my happy and learn to love me and that hike is part of it. Honestly the Camino itself isn't the important part, it's the voyage, the pilgrimage, the relying on no one but me.

So starting today.

No more what-ifs about the past. Just one foot in front of the other and follow the path in front of me and see where it goes.

Big Love.

R-