"Richard to Rick... "

Jesus, where do I even start? 

Well, let us start with a dirty word....divorce. That is how my journey begins, divorce.

I am not going to get into the specific details of it all out of respect for her, but I will give you the basic idea.

20 years ago I went to college, met a girl, fell in love, we moved in together and for 20 years my bipolar self sabotaged the relationship..no it's not all my fault, we are both to blame. We were extremely co-dependent and both had unaddressed issues and just this year we both started addressing those issues. She started developing into her best self and I am proud of her, I hope she finds everything she needs in life and everything she wants..she deserves it all and more. I love you forever T.

On the evening of December 30th, my world collapsed well at least I thought it did. She wanted to divorce and less than a week later I am doing OK, better than expected honestly. If I am honest with myself, it was a LONG time coming and I am OK with it. That does not mean I am happy about it but how could I be it was a 20-year relationship. Out of respect for her and the new life she is going to build that is all I have to say about her directly. From here on out if I need to refer to her she will be known as T. She knows why.

The Divorce itself. 

First off it's amicable..well as amicable as a divorce can be. We love and respect each other; however, we are currently not in love with each other. Neither of us is going to speculate what the future holds but instead live for today. Technically we are not getting divorced, we are separating as we never actually got married. We have a house and two cats. She gets the house and the cats. The how and why things are getting split the way they are is not important, it is in the past and already decided. This is not about the past it's about the future and me healing myself.

So it's January 4th, 2023 3:30pm. I am 44 years old and in a few short weeks, I am going to be single and starting over. I imagine I will be single for a long while as I need to concentrate on myself. From this point on it's all about the future and where I am going. My new mantra for life is “The past is the past, it has already happened. Live for today for tomorrow isn't promised.”

Why  "From Richard to Rick"?

Well technically speaking my name is Richard, but growing up it was always Ricky, and as I got older Rick and then to my social circles in my teens and 20s I was Ick or Icky. When I was 22 or 23 I decided I needed to go back to school and find a career because working in kitchens washing dishes and being a prep cook was getting old and I didn't have the money to travel the world. I registered for college and started my education and career in Marketing. When I registered I used my Birth Certificate and it had my full name on it "Richard". So the first day of college when they called roll call, they called me Richard and I never corrected them..and for the next 20 years, everyone I met including T. Called me Richard. So that is who I became. Now that I am starting over I will be moving in with a friend..actually the last person I lived with before I moved in with T. One of my closest and dearest friends, Andrew, whom I have known for decades, knows me as Rick... From Richard to Rick.

What's next? Begin again. Rebuild myself and do all the things I have always wanted to do. I tried for 20 years to be a husband and build a home but I was never happy, nothing seemed to make me happy other than sitting on the couch with my wife watching TV, which does not make for a healthy life. I was unhappy with myself although I didn’t know it at the time, I blamed everything else for my unhappiness but never looked at myself. It was all me. I was trying to be someone I wasn't. I may never be that person who can work a 9 to 5 job, have a home and settle down. Society teaches us that that is what you are supposed to do “Go to College, get a career, meet someone, get married, pump out 2.3 kids, and have a little house with a white picket fence...but fuck that. I shall walk my own path, own my own mistakes and satisfy my Wanderlust. I shall find myself and learn to love myself again because right now I do not love myself, honestly I do not even like myself. Who knows what the future holds? Maybe T. and I will cross paths again and will be able to be in each other's lives as friends..maybe we won't. If it can't be that way, that is OK it sucks but it's OK. We had 20 years together and I cannot thank her enough for everything. 

Time to get lost in the world.

R-